My Tired Hallelujah

It’s amazing to me how true the phrase, “When it rains, it pours,” can be. I feel like it’s attitude-based though. There are people who are going through complete hell on earth but still walk around with joy. I would love to be one of those people, but I don’t know if I’m capable. And that’s the honest, ugly side of me talking.

I feel like 2018 has been a year of pouring for me (and my family). It seems that every time we may get a few steps ahead, we’re knocked about 10 steps back. Some of the most outrageous circumstances have appeared out of the blue, adding stress and chaos and burden. I wish I could convey exactly how weird the circumstances have been. But that would turn this post into a novella. Please just trust me, they’re weird. And messy. And confusing. And hard.

I have a spot that I go to when I feel really overwhelmed by everything. I sit on the top step of our back porch and lean against the post. Let me rephrase that…I don’t just lean on it. I collapse against it because it’s the only thing holding me upright in that moment. I’m not entirely sure why this has become my Overwhelmed Spot. It offers no beautiful views nor is it the least bit comfortable. But it’s where I go to sulk, to think, to cry, to pray.

I found myself out there a couple weeks ago. It was early evening. Kids were home from school and out enjoying the last hour before sunset. Mowers were running. It was humid but the air was cool. Miraculously, the mosquitos were even leaving me alone! That. Never. Happens. I firmly believe God commanded them to leave me alone because He needed me to be out there long enough to teach me something.

Anyway, I was sitting there, feeling sorry for myself…feeling very heavy and overwhelmed with a situation that has no guaranteed outcome. A situation that could totally dismantle parts of my life and drive me even farther away from ever reconciling a relationship with my earthly father. I was feeling smad-both sad & mad. (Sooki St. James reference, anyone?) And scared. And wishing I could be doing anything fun or happy, anything that would distract me from the dark cloud over my head.

Then I heard it. A little buzzing bumble bee. He was buzzing from one teensy flower to another, collecting his sweets from them. And then it hit me. The extreme jealousy. I was soooo overcome with jealousy of that bee, I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. I wanted to be him so badly! Going about his simple life, doing bee things… not having a care in the world. Darn bee.

But then the Holy Spirit stepped in. He whispered to me and reminded me of the verse in Matthew, “Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” It felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. It was as if God were right there next to me saying, “Jess, look at how much I care about this bee. Do you not realize how much more I care about you?” A rush of relief washed over me! I felt so much more at peace.

I sat there for a few moments and then opened my phone to Pinterest. This was the first thing I saw. 

And then I really lost it. God was right there with me, speaking to my heart, using the things around me to remind me how much He loves and cares for me. It was exactly what my “tired hallelujah” needed at that moment. And it is a lesson I’ve reminded myself of several times over the last couple of weeks.

God is so good. I am in perfectly capable hands. He will see me through the toughest days, the darkest moments, the times when it feels like it’s pouring harder than ever before. He’ll continuously teach me to walk with more joy, more faith, more trust. I am His and He is mine.