Saturday Morning Ramblings

There is nothing more helpless than knowing your child is in distress. It’s an especially helpless feeling when you have not yet met the aforementioned child…knowing your innocent baby is “stuck” inside where she should be safe but it doesn’t feel safe for her in there.

I have felt this way for most of this pregnancy. The first 20 weeks were pretty typical but they have been followed by 17 weeks of ups and downs. Bad news followed by good news. Repeat. The doctors have all asked me if I experienced any of these problems with my first pregnancy. The answer is NO. My first pregnancy was picture-perfect. But I don’t want to be ungrateful this time around. Through it all, the Lord has sustained Baby Girl and I still have her.

My best friend pointed out to me today that maybe these scares keep happening because the Lord is nudging me closer and closer to Him. And I think she’s right. I can say that I have changed and grown in Him during these last 17 tumultuous weeks!

I’ve had several breakdowns where I’ve sobbed and cried out to God in ways that I never have before. I’ve felt Him in those moments…comforting me, reassuring me, and holding me together. There have been terrifying moments when I’ve felt completely hopeless and didn’t even know how to pray, but I have an amazing support system who have prayed for me and shared Scripture with me. I truly believe they have prayed me through every hard moment.

Side Note: Now we’re 3 weeks away from the due date and it’s a whole new kind of fear! Fear of change. Haha! I find myself sitting here and staring off in the distance, thoughts spiraling. “I won’t be able to sit and enjoy the silence while Little Man plays independently in his room.” “I’m not going to be able to sit and read a book for 3 hours straight..ever..again.” “How am I going to keep the house clean when there is two of them to clean up after?”  “Oh, the laundry!” Like, these are things I’ve not really thought about until now. The end has seemed so far away and now it’s right around the corner! I’m so relieved but so nervous!