Dear Dad,
I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot of things. But mostly, I am sorry that you think I hate you and I cannot explain to you that I don’t. That’s a heavy weight to bear. If I break my silence and try to explain myself to you, it will open the floodgates. I would not be allowed to set boundaries with you because you would not respect them. It’s all or nothing with you and that’s not my fault. That’s not my fault. That’s not MY fault.
I am sorry you feel like your wife and kids abandoned you. One day we were there and the next day we weren’t and that has to suck. But we needed a clean break. We had to walk away from the constant stress, the manipulation, the weight of you and your feelings and emotions coming first for 25 years. It became too much to bear. I tried explaining myself to you then. I tried talking to you about all of the reasons I was upset. You chose to invalidate my feelings and continue to make it all about you and that’s not my fault. That’s not my fault. That’s not MY fault.
I am sorry that it’s been almost a year since I last saw you. There are days that I am so confident about my choice and then there are days when I can’t go five minutes without second-guessing myself. Sometimes I miss you so much, I can’t stand it. I want to find you, come to your house, throw open the door, and give you a big hug. But I know that I cannot go back to the way things were. I had to make the difficult choice of walking away from you for ME. I always put you first. Even after I was married, you were first. All of my life I was trained that you came first or there would be consequences. That was/is not an easy behavior to break. I had to break away from the control you had/have over me and that’s not my fault. That’s not my fault. That’s not MY fault.
I am sorry that I didn’t tell you I was pregnant with your granddaughter. I am sorry you have never met her. I hope someone has shown you her pictures. She’s beautiful and so sweet, just like her brother. I am sorry I have to keep them from you right now, but you have made choices that led me not to trust you with my heart or theirs and that’s not my fault. That’s not my fault. That’s not MY fault.
There are some things I am not sorry about though…I am not sorry for choosing myself. I am not sorry for going to therapy to work through my mental health issues. I am not sorry that I can breathe easier without the stress you always put on me. I am not sorry my husband is the number one man in my life now. I am not sorry you don’t have the chance to lie to my kids about your choices. I am not sorry that my mom is free. I am not sorry that I have seen her smile more in the last 11 months than I have in the last 5 years. I am not sorry that I love my step-father. I am not sorry that my sister has the freedom to go to school, go to work, and date the love of her life without you tearing her down at every turn. I am not sorry that we are all happy.
I am grateful you have a roof over your head. I am grateful you have the means to provide for yourself. I am grateful you have a new wife. I hope she takes good care of you. I hope you treat her with respect. I hope you change. I hope you find healing for your own mental and physical health issues.
I hope I can completely forgive you because I know I’m not quite there yet. I hope we can fix this one day, but until then, please know that I do love you. Please know that this choice isn’t easy on me either.
Pet the puppies for me,
Your Daughter
Messy Soul, Beautiful Life 