This thing inside of me has been eating me alive all afternoon. 

It feels like I’m drowning, gasping for air. 

I want to cry. I want to disappear. I want to scream. I want to hide. 

But…I don’t know why.

I want to figure it out. I want to be okay. I want to just BE NORMAL. 

Why can’t I just BE NORMAL?!

This is my life with anxiety. This is me stuck in my own mind. This is me fighting the waves as they try to drag me under. I don’t even know where this stupid ocean came from or how I got in it. 

Apparently, oceans of torment can just form around me without my knowledge. 

Poof. Here’s an ocean. You’re drowning. Enjoy.

And you know what’s really stupid? I was having a REALLY GOOD day. I was FINE…better than fine, I was GOOD. I actually felt normal. I remember thinking to myself a few times, “Hey, look at me-feeling normal, doing normal things!” I was proud of myself, even. 

Maybe that was my downfall. Maybe I jinxed myself. 

Because by 2pm, I was not normal anymore. I was spiraling. I was standing there in my mom’s office and this was the dialogue inside my mind, “Be normal. What is going on? It’s just anxiety. Act normal. What’s wrong with me? Why am I short of breath? It’s just anxiety. ACT NORMAL. Oh good grief, don’t drop the baby. Wait, what did she just say? Be normal-say something back. What is wrong with you? Why are you like this? ACT NORMAL. Why is this happening? Oh my gosh, just hold it together until you get home.” 

It literally felt like everything was spinning around me. I did my coping exercises. I tried to breathe slowly and deeply and tried “grounding” myself. But nothing was helping. 

The good thing was, I made it home and I was functioning-I began cleaning and continued caring for my children. I was kind of zoned-out, but I was doing it. That’s a victory. A small one, but a victory. 

But the waves kept crashing. I would start feeling better for a little bit and then the next wave would hit. The most maddening thing about all of it was that I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHY I WAS ANXIOUS. I could not pinpoint a reason or a trigger. I spent hours (5.5 and counting) wracking my brain trying to figure out what the heck made the ocean form and start swallowing me.

At one point, I was sitting on the sidewalk in front of my house, in the 40-degree weather, watching the combine in the field, crying, and trying to pray. Praying for relief, for peace, for silence inside my mind…praying to be normal. Asking God why my brain is wired to torment me like this-begging for a purpose behind it. 

There was some relief. I felt the tightness in my muscles relax some, I felt God meet me where I was. I felt Him speak to my heart that there is a purpose even when I can’t see it. So, I put on my big girl pants and went back inside to continue the chores and the mothering. 

But more waves hit. And I tried to take them as they came. 

…I am trying to take them as they come. Which is why I am sitting here typing this. It’s therapeutic. It’s freeing to be vulnerable and put it out there. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. It just is. Maybe I’m crazy. Or maybe someone just needed to read this and know they’re not alone. Maybe it will help someone who doesn’t have anxiety understand it a little better. 

My mind feels a little more clear, my chest a little more light, my muscles a little less tight. Another small victory. 

Now I will go lay in my bed and browse Pinterest…my other form of free therapy. 

If you know exactly how I feel, please know you’re not alone. You aren’t crazy. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes…just don’t drown. Keep going. Keep fighting. The ocean will dry up. You will feel better again. I promise. 

Comment or message me if you need to talk.

 

How did we get here? How on earth did we get to the point in our lives that we have two children, two houses, two hundred responsibilities, and two thousand things on the to-do list?

How and why?

These are the things I asked myself as I sat in the middle of the living room, staring blankly at the carpet…spiraling.

Do you ever go about your life, doing what you need to do, feeling fine and then *boom* you hit some kind of wall and suddenly everything is horrible? Horrible and terrible and overwhelming and exhausting. You were literally fine an hour ago, but now you’re a pile of human despair.

Maybe you need a nap. Or retail therapy. Or a good workout.

Or if you’re me, you write about it…for anyone on the internet to read…hmm.

My birthday is in a week. I’ll be 26. Twenty. Six. That’s closer to 30 than it is to 20. Maybe that’s the real dilemma my subconscious is having. Maybe I’m not overwhelmed by responsibilities at all. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by my old age.

Friends used to be a really funny show until I realized that I was the same age as the characters who (mostly) all had real careers and could afford to live in NYC. Then it just became depressing. Still funny, but depressing. They seem so old and put-together (at times) but really they’re supposed to be my age. Ugh.

Honestly, I don’t have any life lessons or takeaways to wrap this post up in a nice little bow. I think I just needed to get that off my chest. If some life lesson smacks me in the face, I’ll be sure to follow up.

Thanks guys.

I’ve been on a writing hiatus. It seems that I take turns cycling through my hobbies and interests. Recently, I have been concentrating on crocheting and reading. And while I want to write and blog (I constantly have blog post ideas – why in the world do I not jot them down?!) I simply have not made the time for it. Maybe I am avoiding it because it forces me to dig into my feelings and analyze my thoughts. Maybe I’ve wanted to not do that lately. Maybe I’ve wanted to escape my reality and jump into the pages of a book, into the “reality” of those fictional characters. Maybe.

It’s not that life is bad right now. It’s actually pretty good! But man, it’s busy. We have been through so many changes already and we have so many more to go through. I’m not a fan of change…unless the change is my idea. Raise your hand if you understand.

The biggest upcoming change, finishing our new house and actually moving into it, is rapidly approaching. It’s a bit daunting and a smidge overwhelming. I am trying my darndest to not put on my brakes and screech into a stupified halt.

There are these quiet voices inside my head that constantly battle one another. One says she doesn’t like change and doesn’t want change and we can’t do it. The other says that change can be good and it’s going to be okay and we will love this new house we’ve built just for us. The voices go back and forth over and over and over again.

It’s like, super fun.

 

I don’t, like, feel crazy at all.

 

Ha.

You know how sometimes people pick a word at the start of the new year? This word is supposed to become a theme for them and represent what they want for the next 365 days of their life. I’ve contemplated many different words to represent my 2019 and here we are at the beginning of May, and I still don’t have one chosen. The ones at the top of my list are “embrace,” “trust,” and “joy.” I can’t seem to pick just one. They might have to stay a set because they all truly represent what I want for this year.

I want to embrace the present. Live in the moment, not in fear. I spent so much of 2018 in fear – it’s no way to live. Embrace the changes that have already happened and the changes to come. Embrace the time when my children are small and I can pour into them. Embrace those who pour Truth into me. Embrace my life without those who don’t.

I want to trust more. Trust the Lord more. Trust that He will lead us in His will for our lives. Trust that He will provide. Trust that my husband’s {crazy} idea to build us a wonderful house and move us 25 miles away is what is best for us. Trust myself, my instincts, my decisions.

I want to find joy in my life, not just try to survive it. There are so many things to be happy about, so many things to be grateful for. I don’t want to be too busy or so caught up in myself that I can’t celebrate the good things. And there are so many good things happening in our circle of friends and family. A beautiful new house for us, one for our best friends. Siblings’ weddings. Babies and their giggles. Teaching my son and watching him learn and grow. Thriving careers and businesses. Happiness, safety, protection. I want to find joy in all of those things even on the bad days, during stressful times, and when things go wrong.

Five months into the year already. Embrace. Trust. Joy. I can do this.

Dear Dad,

I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot of things. But mostly, I am sorry that you think I hate you and I cannot explain to you that I don’t. That’s a heavy weight to bear. If I break my silence and try to explain myself to you, it will open the floodgates. I would not be allowed to set boundaries with you because you would not respect them. It’s all or nothing with you and that’s not my fault. That’s not my fault. That’s not MY fault.

I am sorry you feel like your wife and kids abandoned you. One day we were there and the next day we weren’t and that has to suck. But we needed a clean break. We had to walk away from the constant stress, the manipulation, the weight of you and your feelings and emotions coming first for 25 years. It became too much to bear. I tried explaining myself to you then. I tried talking to you about all of the reasons I was upset. You chose to invalidate my feelings and continue to make it all about you and that’s not my fault. That’s not my fault. That’s not MY fault.

I am sorry that it’s been almost a year since I last saw you. There are days that I am so confident about my choice and then there are days when I can’t go five minutes without second-guessing myself. Sometimes I miss you so much, I can’t stand it. I want to find you, come to your house, throw open the door, and give you a big hug. But I know that I cannot go back to the way things were. I had to make the difficult choice of walking away from you for ME. I always put you first. Even after I was married, you were first. All of my life I was trained that you came first or there would be consequences. That was/is not an easy behavior to break. I had to break away from the control you had/have over me and that’s not my fault. That’s not my fault. That’s not MY fault.

I am sorry that I didn’t tell you I was pregnant with your granddaughter. I am sorry you have never met her. I hope someone has shown you her pictures. She’s beautiful and so sweet, just like her brother. I am sorry I have to keep them from you right now, but you have made choices that led me not to trust you with my heart or theirs and that’s not my fault. That’s not my fault. That’s not MY fault.

There are some things I am not sorry about though…I am not sorry for choosing myself. I am not sorry for going to therapy to work through my mental health issues. I am not sorry that I can breathe easier without the stress you always put on me. I am not sorry my husband is the number one man in my life now. I am not sorry you don’t have the chance to lie to my kids about your choices. I am not sorry that my mom is free. I am not sorry that I have seen her smile more in the last 11 months than I have in the last 5 years. I am not sorry that I love my step-father. I am not sorry that my sister has the freedom to go to school, go to work, and date the love of her life without you tearing her down at every turn. I am not sorry that we are all happy.

I am grateful you have a roof over your head. I am grateful you have the means to provide for yourself. I am grateful you have a new wife. I hope she takes good care of you. I hope you treat her with respect. I hope you change. I hope you find healing for your own mental and physical health issues.

I hope I can completely forgive you because I know I’m not quite there yet. I hope we can fix this one day, but until then, please know that I do love you. Please know that this choice isn’t easy on me either.

Pet the puppies for me,

Your Daughter

 

Oh my goodness, it has been awhile since I checked in…My daughter was born a month ago! I cannot believe how quickly that month went by us! She is a complete joy, most of the time! A couple of those 2 am wake-up calls have been pretty rough. Haha

But truly, we love how complete she has made our little family. She’s my little sidekick and a complete daddy’s girl. It melts my heart to watch the two of them together. And, of course, Big Brother is doing a fabulous job. He’s fiercely protective of “his” baby, but also loves to show her off and point her out to everyone.

I am sad that I haven’t had much time to write. I really miss it. I have some writing ideas swirling around in my head, but getting them fully formulated and typed up is a challenge right now. I’m hoping to try to set aside more time for it, but we will see. You know how life is…super freaking busy all of the time.  

Aaaand the dog barked and woke the baby up…that’s my queue! Will try to check in soon and share baby pics!

There is nothing more helpless than knowing your child is in distress. It’s an especially helpless feeling when you have not yet met the aforementioned child…knowing your innocent baby is “stuck” inside where she should be safe but it doesn’t feel safe for her in there.

I have felt this way for most of this pregnancy. The first 20 weeks were pretty typical but they have been followed by 17 weeks of ups and downs. Bad news followed by good news. Repeat. The doctors have all asked me if I experienced any of these problems with my first pregnancy. The answer is NO. My first pregnancy was picture-perfect. But I don’t want to be ungrateful this time around. Through it all, the Lord has sustained Baby Girl and I still have her.

My best friend pointed out to me today that maybe these scares keep happening because the Lord is nudging me closer and closer to Him. And I think she’s right. I can say that I have changed and grown in Him during these last 17 tumultuous weeks!

I’ve had several breakdowns where I’ve sobbed and cried out to God in ways that I never have before. I’ve felt Him in those moments…comforting me, reassuring me, and holding me together. There have been terrifying moments when I’ve felt completely hopeless and didn’t even know how to pray, but I have an amazing support system who have prayed for me and shared Scripture with me. I truly believe they have prayed me through every hard moment.

Side Note: Now we’re 3 weeks away from the due date and it’s a whole new kind of fear! Fear of change. Haha! I find myself sitting here and staring off in the distance, thoughts spiraling. “I won’t be able to sit and enjoy the silence while Little Man plays independently in his room.” “I’m not going to be able to sit and read a book for 3 hours straight..ever..again.” “How am I going to keep the house clean when there is two of them to clean up after?”  “Oh, the laundry!” Like, these are things I’ve not really thought about until now. The end has seemed so far away and now it’s right around the corner! I’m so relieved but so nervous!

Like I’ve said before, I enjoy writing about tough stuff. But I wanted to take a few minutes to write about something light and happy!

I’ve spent the last couple of days in awe. On Saturday, we found out that my best friend is also pregnant with a Baby Girl! I am so excited for her! For us!

It also sent me into a weird emotional tailspin. I just can’t comprehend it all. This friend and I have been through so much together and now this! Life feels so surreal sometimes. I cannot believe my best friend and I get to raise our daughters together. I mean, we’ll obviously force them to be best friends too! HOW CUTE IS THAT?

So, I’ve spent most of my day today planning and talking baby shower ideas with her. We’ve had a few moments when we both stop and vocalize, “This is SO COOL!” I just cannot believe it.

Life is crazy sometimes, but it is also beautiful. I never want to forget that. God is good.

 

I’m venturing to guess that many of you have heard of the book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Condo. The book that tells you to pick up items around your house, stare at them and determine if they bring you joy. If they do, keep them…if they don’t, throw them out.

Yeaaahh, I haven’t read that book yet. Maybe someday. The truth of the matter is that sometimes I have a hard time letting go of things. Therefore, I don’t want some stranger telling me what I should and should not keep.

However, when you’re preparing for a baby due in just a few weeks and you need money, your views start to change. The nesting creeps in and you look around your house and think, “My Lanta, when on earth did I accumulate all of this?! It’s GOT. TO. GO.”

I just saved myself from having to read that book anytime soon. Ha!

Nesting and sorting through things in the house has been a breeze. We’ve gotten rid of a LOT of clutter and it feels amazing! We’ve gone through almost every room in the house and meticulously sorted through all of our belongings, ridding ourselves of many of them. It’s been easy and fun and a relief to see it all go.

But then I hit another mental road block this morning. There’s lots of clutter outside of the house too. It’s mostly vehicles. We really like vehicles around here. My husband and I usually have at least two vehicles each. They’re nothing fancy. They’re paid for. And their ours. So, what’s the harm, right?

Except there is some harm right now. Money is tight and growing tighter by the second. Our bills were 3 times what they normally are this month because of unexpected expenses. We made it, by the skin of our teeth…but you know what would make it even easier?

Me letting go of a vehicle that I never drive. Me letting go of something that isn’t practical. Me letting go of something that I only keep because it’s sentimental.

But it’s my first truck. My first baby. I’ve had it since I was 16. It is 29 years old and in amazing condition for its age. People stop and ask me if it’s for sale a lot and I always say no.

But maybe it’s time to stop saying no. Maybe it’s time to let go. And maybe God is trying to teach me that things are just…things.

I love my truck, but it doesn’t fit into our lifestyle. I won’t take the kids in it because the back seat is not carseat-safe. I won’t drive it very far because it gets really bad gas mileage. It also needs some money and maintenance put into it to keep it in such good condition. So I literally never drive it.

This morning we cleaned it out in preparation for selling it, maybe. If I can let it go. If I can stop wrestling with myself. If I can put aside my selfishness and do it. I think I can. Maybe. Hopefully before I go into existential crisis mode and starting overthinking about the 100s of other things in my life I’m selfish about. Ha!

But seriously, maybe God is trying to teach me a lesson here. I want to be willing to learn.

19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21

It’s amazing to me how true the phrase, “When it rains, it pours,” can be. I feel like it’s attitude-based though. There are people who are going through complete hell on earth but still walk around with joy. I would love to be one of those people, but I don’t know if I’m capable. And that’s the honest, ugly side of me talking.

I feel like 2018 has been a year of pouring for me (and my family). It seems that every time we may get a few steps ahead, we’re knocked about 10 steps back. Some of the most outrageous circumstances have appeared out of the blue, adding stress and chaos and burden. I wish I could convey exactly how weird the circumstances have been. But that would turn this post into a novella. Please just trust me, they’re weird. And messy. And confusing. And hard.

I have a spot that I go to when I feel really overwhelmed by everything. I sit on the top step of our back porch and lean against the post. Let me rephrase that…I don’t just lean on it. I collapse against it because it’s the only thing holding me upright in that moment. I’m not entirely sure why this has become my Overwhelmed Spot. It offers no beautiful views nor is it the least bit comfortable. But it’s where I go to sulk, to think, to cry, to pray.

I found myself out there a couple weeks ago. It was early evening. Kids were home from school and out enjoying the last hour before sunset. Mowers were running. It was humid but the air was cool. Miraculously, the mosquitos were even leaving me alone! That. Never. Happens. I firmly believe God commanded them to leave me alone because He needed me to be out there long enough to teach me something.

Anyway, I was sitting there, feeling sorry for myself…feeling very heavy and overwhelmed with a situation that has no guaranteed outcome. A situation that could totally dismantle parts of my life and drive me even farther away from ever reconciling a relationship with my earthly father. I was feeling smad-both sad & mad. (Sooki St. James reference, anyone?) And scared. And wishing I could be doing anything fun or happy, anything that would distract me from the dark cloud over my head.

Then I heard it. A little buzzing bumble bee. He was buzzing from one teensy flower to another, collecting his sweets from them. And then it hit me. The extreme jealousy. I was soooo overcome with jealousy of that bee, I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. I wanted to be him so badly! Going about his simple life, doing bee things… not having a care in the world. Darn bee.

But then the Holy Spirit stepped in. He whispered to me and reminded me of the verse in Matthew, “Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” It felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. It was as if God were right there next to me saying, “Jess, look at how much I care about this bee. Do you not realize how much more I care about you?” A rush of relief washed over me! I felt so much more at peace.

I sat there for a few moments and then opened my phone to Pinterest. This was the first thing I saw. 

And then I really lost it. God was right there with me, speaking to my heart, using the things around me to remind me how much He loves and cares for me. It was exactly what my “tired hallelujah” needed at that moment. And it is a lesson I’ve reminded myself of several times over the last couple of weeks.

God is so good. I am in perfectly capable hands. He will see me through the toughest days, the darkest moments, the times when it feels like it’s pouring harder than ever before. He’ll continuously teach me to walk with more joy, more faith, more trust. I am His and He is mine.

I’ve only been a parent for 4.5 years. I was not prepared for how steep of a learning curve accompanied this new role in my life. Like when you’re pregnant, people say so many conflicting things. “Oh, parenting is the sweetest, most enjoyable thing I’ve ever had the pleasure of doing!” or “Parenting is a battlefield. You’d better gear up, soldier.” Um, okay. Neither of those pieces of “advice” actually helped me figure anything out.

But I didn’t read any parenting books either. Why? Certainly not because I thought it all figured out. The reason I didn’t read any parenting books is probably because I was too busy internally screaming about how much my life was about to change to focus on anything else. Ha.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be a mom. I loved and prayed for that little baby boy from the moment I knew he existed. I was also 20 years old. My husband and I were still newlyweds when we found out Little Man was on his way. We were both freaking out a little, give us a break.

4.5 years later and I’m weeks away from bringing another child into this world. And I’m back to that stage of totally freaking out.

Especially after a day like today. A day where I’ve been confronted with my failures…mistakes I made because I didn’t realize how much they’d affect my son.

As a first-time mom, I was ignorant of some things. I mean, my Little Man met and exceeded milestones and was on track, so I must’ve known some things, right? What I didn’t know was how bad things like juice and fruit snacks were for little teeth. Or how training toothpaste didn’t really offer any protection against these evils.

So at 4 years old, my Little Man is in for some extensive dental work. And it’s my “fault.” It’s even worse because we’ve been dragging our feet to get the problems corrected because…money.

But today was the last straw. After 4 crying meltdowns because his one tooth was hurting so bad after eating grapes, I had it. I wrote a semi-grumpy post on facebook asking for dentist recommendations, found one I liked and made the appointment for tomorrow.

I talked to my husband about it and he agreed that it needs to be taken care of now, even if money is tight. And then we spent a few minutes on the phone feeling the weight of everything. Feeling frustrated with our failures. Feeling sorry that our son is in pain. Feeling. Like. Crap.

So, that’s where I’m at today. Feeling pretty crappy and wondering if I know anything about raising one kid, let alone two.

But then I remember the conversation I had a few nights ago about salvation and what it means to have Jesus in his heart. Then I feel a little better. At least I’m doing something right. He may need to have 5 dentist visits to fix his teeth that I screwed up…but he knows what it means to have Jesus inside of him. That feels like a silver lining.

Do you have a similar parenting “fail” you’d like to share? Leave me a comment below. I’d love to hear from you.